Decided

Decided
I  am no longer fat but obese. I don't need a machine to tell me this. Hence, after 1 month of procrastinated, finally I decided to change my lifestyle. Hooray!!
Many reasons to why I finally succumbed to the thing I hate most throughout my life - exercise. Hate to the core. Period. But after my fourth child, I kept on piling on the weight even though I don't eat alot, makes me angry.  I can no longer fit into a size 16 ( the biggest that I thought I will be) but I am now promoted to PLUS size department of size 16.  I don't longer have a waist nor a flat tummy. But a tummy that look like i am still 9months pregnant! Disgusting! I used to be curvy but never thin or big. Just nice for a 1.53m woman. My shoes size used to be 37 n now it is size 40. I can no longer wear my wedding ring which I misses so much. I can no longer do a lot of things n that make me think about my lifestyle. Going shopping now is a chore, an unhappy trip for me because clothes that I like I couldn't fit. Flipping through fashion magazines n sees those beautiful maxi dress, maxi skirt, satin/chiffon blouses etc....n I can't fit or I look ugly in it, annoyed me. 
I'm 39 and I will be in my forties in one year time.  So, I've decided If I am to die young at least I die looking pretty n not fat. Hehehe. I dont want when people have to carry me to the grave n they will start cursing me. Lolz. In short, I miss being thin n full of energy. I couldn't believed that I became like this. I am too vain to slack to this stage in my life. I used to be health conscious, and when I was in my 20s, I had promised myself to take care of my body. It don't have to be Big effort, just a small effort will do. So, I pledged that i will only drink water n nothing else(no fizzy drinks, no ice-t,etc). I kept my promises for 10 years until I had my first taste of ice-t. Lolz. The rest is history. 
10 years on in my 30s, after 4 babies, I have gone into the same category of woman  who let themselves lose and lost. Admittedly, I forgot how to look good n smell nice. Especially the smelling nice part, before I couldn't live without my trustee CHANEL hair mist. People who knows me knew I always smell good. Sadly, now I don't care. I used to take 1 hour to get ready to go out, now only 10 mins. Lolz. 
I started to realized how bad shape I am now when my 8 years old boy started to commented on my look. It saddened me that my negligence in taking care of myself effected my son. I cried silently when I knew about what he thinks of me. From there, I told myself that I want to be someone that my son can be proud of. Initially, it was not easy, I was in denial. I told myself "heck, it's my body". Honestly, I am crying inside, I felt like a failure, I don't have confident. My world is crashing down on me. ( so dramatic) .
I cannot joined the kids playing becoz I will get tired easily. I dozed off on the couch the moment my big fat ass touch the sofa. I fell  asleep when I am driving! And hv to stop at the road side to catch a 15mins sleep. I fell asleep when I am on the facebook. I fell asleep the moment I sat in a car while hubby is driving n that pissed him off. I got leg cramps. I have severe headache every morning. I have broken sleep at night. I can't sleep lying down but sitting down. I can't tie my shoelace. I cannot pickup things on the floor. I am at my lower stage in my life. Still, I am stubborn. 
The wake up called when my online business failed. I still owed hubby money when I started to open the business.  I felt useless. It robbed me off whatever little self-worth that I had. And I also realized few of my friends have 'run' away from me. Maybe they feel embarresed having a fat friend with them. Only 2 or 3 remain n give me support. I have realized  in order to sell fashion I have to look good. I have to be presentable then maybe I can sell my products. And, with support from hubby emotionally n financially, I've decided to change my lifestyle. So, I have took my first step last month by brisk walking twice a week n I felt good every time.For the first time, I did something good for myself. I promised myself I will try drinking 8 glasses of water everyday. lastly, I have started exercising n hope to achieved my goal. 


Cheers to healthy lifestyle,
Julie Mohamed Yusof